my name is katty

天上的星星是假的。

2012-02-10T09:00:00.001-08:00

人嘛，为何总是望天看？
每次看着天，我都是在不快乐的感慨。
我知道人生无偿，太了解。
我也知道不如意，也无奈。
我到底要的，爱的，快乐的，为什么总是得不到。
我要求太高？又不像是。
我难过，天上的星星是假的。
人界没有谁，会能为知己的心愿而活。
我们都受人摆布，太多顾虑的不只有我吧。
我不想在这里，我也不懂可以去哪里。
为什么我要这么累？
上帝，不要太看的起我了。
我很累。

Has to be a rollercoaster ride.

2012-02-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

9 Years Old.
The age I started making my first dollar.
I don't mean just taking pocket money from your parents or stealing from them, of cos.
I made 'em money.
With a little help with my 2 recruited sidekicks, of cos.

Well it all started with a machine, where school-going kids get cheated by putting a 50 cent coin in it, hoping to fetch a laser pen by connecting 2 opposite running dots into a straight line.
I was one of the dumb kids.
Upset at the fact of being cheated of the 50 cent I stole from my parents.
Actually I didn't steal. Being hawkers, my parents just have loose change all around the place.
I just took em ok?
I broke the simple code of that 2 red dots, now I fetch a laser pen with every 50 cents.
And I... sold them. In class.
To other brats whose life I never had.
$10 dollars was the highest price one fetched.
I got so successful I roped my sister in.
We were too rich to be children by then.
I was probably making more money than my mother.
Until we got busted. The teacher should have seen the entrepreneur in me then.
The money went to buying cute little hamsters, one which was named Ham Ham.

Then there was the mix vege rice stall.
I worked for 5 dollars a day until the day my mother drove me in her mini van to collect my PSLE results, I think that was probably the first time she brought me to school.
My grades aren't superb, but good enough to be labelled ''Best improvement from idiot to genius'' and I took a photo with Tony Tan for that.

Then I grew into my teens.
Even better.
You know why I'm always the richest kid in class?
I earned the money in the Internet Relay Chat room.
Where kids of my age frequented, I found a way to make money out of them.
I made so much money, my sister and I (Partners-in-crime) each own a cool 300 bucks MP3 that was shaped like an egg.
I was 15 then.
I definately made more money than my father then lol.

That was also the year I met Albert, the man I thought I was going to marry.
Thinking back about the relationship always brings a mixed feeling of regrets, happiness and silly dreams.
Like erm, dreaming of dropping out of school.
After the relationship ended, the dreams went out the windows and I was on the streets with them friends, doing what delinquents like ourselves did.
Of cos, Albert led a completely different life from me since then.
And I never got into another relationship.
Unless u considered Eric.
Who made me wanna die.... die of boredom of cos.
Somedays I still miss those eyes, sparkling with mischief as he borrows my vision.
Somehow, great minds think alike.

Now what Katty, whats the next big plan?
I will myself to find a way out of this mess.
I know I'll get out of it, you just have to give time, time.

God never gives us more than what we are designed to carry.
Damn He must have thought too highly of me.

Are we ever gonna learn to fly?

2012-01-09T07:29:00.000-08:00

I found the perfect word to describe my life.
In turmoils.
Wad else did I expect.
I feel totally defeated as I look in the mirror and saw someone else look back.
I don't think a good life is meant for losers like myself.

There are many times I tried to pick myself up.
Sometimes I succeed, but the all strength and determination then sizzles off.
Then I tried again.
I know when I'm put in a situation, I gotta get out of the situation.
I know I must be strong, find out why things are as such, and I'll carry on.
But wad if this time, I couldn't.
I don't know how.

I went to the extent of self-talk, don't matter where I'm.
I cannot be so defeated, I don't really know myself anymore.
I guess I was put into too many unfamilarities all at one go.
I didn't handle them well enough.
Or maybe I ain't good enough for the entire whirlwind of events God put me through,
And maybe I thought I can handle all that pressure but I've already crumbled.

I'm tired.
I slumped at the edge, trying to figure out if all these unfortunate events one after another warrants a death certificate.
It doesn't help that I don't wanna talk to anyone.
It doesn't help that there is no one to talk to.
Its a bad year.
And the coming one doesn't look good either.

If I don't die, there must be a reason to live.

Exhausted

2012-01-03T05:02:00.000-08:00

I made a HUGE mistake, again.

Seems like being 19 was a jolly fun time for me.
Because it was then that I had a most beautiful vision of myself in the coming years of my life.
The year after I last went to school.
School, is just not for extraordinary assholes like myself.
School is plain dumb.
I was selling mixed vege rice in the mornings, and doing odd jobs here and there.
Giving tuition was like the most relaxing portion of my day.
Otherwise I'll be at York Hotel, serving food and stealing food.
Most of the money I had went into this big MLM plan named BelAir.
That was the first mistake of my life.

Undeterred at the fact that I'm not born a businesswoman, there's Herbalife.
Yes, the David Beckham T-shirt name.
Yes another mistake that cost me maybe a few months of serving and stealing food at York Hotel and the mixed vege rice stall and the many blks around Yishun I roamed for tuition assignments.
I even went to work as a temp at Singpost.
Then there was this Gold Rush scheme.
I failed.

Then suddenly at the constant persuasion of my mother I went to sign on the Air Force.
And all the fun ended.

Now there is The Bookmakers Code, where I can beat the bookies by analysing the soccer odds.
Supposedly.
Say goodbye to me for the next year.

I hestitate at the thought of serving food and stealing food again.
But I rather not be the beggar who deems the street too long to beg and rather starve to death.
Like my grandmother ( I like to quote her nowadays ) said.
If the shit isn't smelly, eat it.

But whats different from being 24 and 19 is not just 5 years.
I went on to find out why.
Why the fuck would I want to always become rich when I don't really think money is a big issue?
I don't mind giving anybody a treat here and there, spending all my money on Xmas gifts for everybody else.
I used my entire savings and begged from my friends for 600 dollars when I was 17 so I can secretly help someone get an abortion.
I was that fucking kapo.
Why didn't I just say 'er I dunno leh'?
I can't.
Of cos the reason is a secret, if not what.

My life nowadays is total shagged burnt out.
Being a prawn noodles seller isn't alot of fun.
Waking up at 5am isn't any fun at all.
Making 350 dollars for the entire month is totally not cool.
I'm dead tired, but I will find a way out of the mess I've made.
One more time.

If what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, I rather die.
( Joke la )

Too young to die

2011-11-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

I think there's an age limit to suicide.
Somehow, its not 24.

The sky is brightly lit, and the crows are making a hell of a noise.
I thought about life for the past 7 hours.
All I got are emotions.
Getting higher and more agitating.
I don't get agitated easily nowadays, I don't really have much feelings.
All I want is a little bit of comfort.
Comfort in the knowledge that I'm still me.
That I'm still alive, and that I'll recover from my state of loss.

When u force a human being into a corner there's only 2 reactions.
Its either I fight my way, or I hit the highway.
The highway to hell that is.
Although I'm not pretty sure if I'll go to hell.
I've been good.
I picked the snails from the ground so they won't get run over by cars ok?
That was my childhood hobby.

Im suddenly overwhelmed with fatigue again.
0700H, as always.

The day the sky turned red

2011-11-21T09:05:00.001-08:00

Its not funny to be out of a job.
But I already know that before I make my decision.

I've been in and out of sleep, meals at eccentric timings.
My whole body clock is tuned to the football matches in the other parts of planet Earth.
I didn't gamble in the immature thinking that I'll free myself from problems.
I'm always too matured for my age.
I gamble to sustain my free spending lifestyle.
Doesn't justify the eyebags completely though, there are other reasons why I cant sleep.

Like being somehow transported to the 22nd of Aug, 2011.
18:53.
The time where like the movies, the life monitoring machine on my grandmother went into a monotonous single line.
I didn't cry.
I broke down I wailed I shrieked in agony.
I died.

I'm starting to accept the cruel joke God decided to play on me only now.
To compose myself when I wake up in the middle of whatever the time from eccentric nightmares and painful sights.
I thought I was strong, I didn't need voices cajoling me that all is good.
Maybe I need just a little more time.
Maybe, but definately.

Then come the ORD today.
I submitted my resignation 4 days before the forlorn date so I haven't been thinking much about what will happen to me.
I spent all my savings, which is not much really, on the aftermath.
I'm staring at a blank piece of paper.
A fresh start, except the fact that I don't know where to begin.

Maybe I can start by finding a temp job.
But that wouldn't be much fun.
Really, I'm still looking for fun.
I think of the arduous journey ahead of my life and I want alcohol.
One morning this week, I shall sit down with a cuppa cafe latte and give the future a little of my time.

Its difficult to heal, even with my personality.
Even with the prostitute attitude, which really means I don't give a fuck.

I will pull through, I'm Katty the dumb bitch.

Being Katty

2011-11-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

Time ticks, and tickles by.

I'm inching closer to The Big Day, although now I'm unsure if its gonna be Dooms Day instead.

3 years and 5 months, my short air force career.

My love hate affair, my playground, my reason to wake up in the mornings and more reasons not to wake up in the mornings.

I was 21 when I pen the paper upon endless incessant persuasion from my mother.

She was pretty sure I will be a good for nothing who gambles my life away.

Correction. She still is.

I went to Tekong and sulked.

Nobody believed that I can last the BMT days where a sane human being wakes up at 0515 everyday to go jogging.

Most importantly, I did not believe.

I was rebellious, for God's sake.

I dun go to school if I cannot wake up since I was 14.

I rely on nicotine too much and I couldn't bear the sight of one teacher so I threw a duster at him and texted him ''Fuck u''.

My parents, actually just my dad was summoned to the AJC principal's office more than I was.

They did not do it at my secondary school bcos my form teacher then was such an angel.

And anyways I did well for my O levels.

And I can play pool much better than most of my peers.

I hate to wake up in the wee hours of the morning and to boot up my system would take me more nicotine and a nice cafe latte and more alarm snoozes.

But still I boarded the fastcraft to Tekong and sulked.

Bad idea, smarty-pantsy MOM.

The first day I fought with my bunk mates after they said the toilet reeked of nicotine and insisted its my problem.

Most importantly, they dragged me up in the middle of my sleep.

My most vulnerable, defensive time of the day.

I'm pretty sure one of them would need emergency medical attention if I wasn't stopped bcos I'm pretty strong and she's so small in size.

The first few times I ran the morning run I walked.

Who the F wakes up so bloody early to run!?

I refused to sing with the rest I refused to march in line.

The female OC of wherever threatened to put me out of course and the Warrant office banned me from the smoking area for a week.

I was bemused. Who are those people to do that?

But over time I learnt. I learn too quickly I adjusted.

I woke up, I ran I go to field camp I carried my buddy after she fainted on a stretcher.

I sang songs like purple heart I made sure I bloody get in line.

I don't move in a file even if there's this fat fly on my nose.

''Sir de ya'' meant the whole world stops and I better not breathe.

A rank higher than me is someone who deserves the respect and a day more senior than me is a SIR.

I ran faster and faster I begin to realise the wicked sense of satisfaction one gets from rediscovering your personal limits.

I wake up I smile I found joy in carrying an extra jerry can, rolling in the mud together, and they found joy in me.

I passed out, went on to OCS and found even more drive to become an officer of the RSAF.

I worked hard I ran my lungs out for that IPPT Gold Medal.

I studied furiously, topped the class and prayed for that elusive Sword of Honour.

Which could have changed the latter part of my life.

I passed out again, threw my hands in triumph.

My grandmother and grandfather sat with me for the commissioning dinner and we talked about how great I'm gonna become.

We talked about how I'm gonna make tons of money and we are so going to Las Vegas.

I didn't become great, and we didn't go to Las Vegas.

Hmmm I'm suddenly overwhelmed with fatigue, lets continue this post some other time.

Living on borrowed time

2011-11-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

2 weeks, and my short Air Force career is all over.
I buried my face in my hands and convinced myself its a right choice time and again at the smoking area.
I contemplated retracting everything but upon retracing the memories of my short life, why?
I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm all stressed out.
Life hasn't been a bed of beautiful roses these days and I don't wish to die without even smelling all the big plans I'd for myself.
If u count going bungee jumping even a plan at all.
If u count smoking cigars on top the statue of liberty and losing the shirt off my back at Las Vegas.
I think I'll just think about these things again.

When I'm less broke then what I'm now.
In fact, I don't even have to count how much money I have now.
This is a joke, really.
I don't know what heavens want from me but apparantly, I don't have enough to keep up.
But thank God, he sent many angels to save my life.

I don't wanna think about what I'll become, I'm afraid I'm going to become nothing anyways.
I'm living on borrowed time.

popo

2011-09-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

Its 0518, I give up trying to cajole myself to sleep.

That extra hour wouldn't have matter anyways.

Nothing really matters anymore anyway.

Its 2 weeks now, since the most painful day of my young life.

I'm very tired, but I just couldn't sleep.

I thought time is supposed to heal me, but it only took away more life from me.

Whatever is left of me anyway, I look like a deranged human soul.

A part of me died.

And if I have a billion dollars now, trust me, I wouldn't be happy.

I'm still crying, like its the only thing that confirms I'm alive.

I'm really so tired.

She's not just a grandmother, like every other person has a grandmother.

My grandmother is just that special.

She was my life saviour really.

I was once young and helpless, like really helpless.

Abused by my other grandma whom I really hate, and canned every now and then by mom.

I had to be fostered out here and there, I dun really have a fixed bed.

I dun get to go home and eat dinner, I dun have birthday celebrations.

Until my popo came into my life, and I had everything.

I had somebody to save me from my mom's wrath, celebrate my birthday, buy me colouring pencils, hug me to sleep, cook dinner for me.

I had somebody who really loves me.

I can so vividly remember a candid picture of us.

Where I saw popo and ran towards her.

''POPOOOOOOOO!!!''

''BAOYEEEEEEEEE!!!''

Popo ran towards me, arms wide opened.

I threw my arms around her and she hugged the air.

''Where are u??''

I was so short my head is at her tummy.

"NEH, I'm here''

''Where?? Orh u are here. Why are u so short?''

I didn't grow very tall, but tall enough to wrap my arms around her neck.

I didn't become a millionaire, but I was rich enough to give her money everytime I see her.

I didn't get my driving license, but we went to Genting and she didn't bath for 6 days.

I didn't get very smart, but we can discuss how to win big money at MBS.

I don't really know how to go from here now.

I took comfort in the fact that we spent so much time together.

At the mixed vege rice stall, and we still can gamble on how much would we sell today.

Of cos, popo and gong gong almost always win.

Thats becos they cheated.

We had alot of fun at the casinos, ntuc club, chevrons, PUB.... all the jackpot rooms u can think of.

Please come back to me.

Lets go to MBS, I will pay for your levy again.

Lets go to RWS, and play the bank buster jackpot u so liked.

Lets go find a fishball noodles stall.

Lets go to Chevrons again.

Lets eat bai mee fen together again.

Let us be together again.

Hell

2011-07-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

I almost died when I heard I'll be going through hell next week.

That is, the apparent hell week.

I mean, was I in heaven all along?

I thought I already had 2 years of hell.

Of cos, I came into the Sqn at such a bad time, so unlucky.

Where things are initialising, where no one has time for me.

I guess when we say nothing it doesn't mean we are not watching u, it means we are watching u in silence.

''Look at him!!! U wanna be like him in 10 years?''

That question swept me 10 feet off solid ground.

Aren't these people suppose to encourage me?

Oh my God no, I'm leaving.

I'm not moving forward, I'm back tracking.

People that comes in 20 months later than me will be faster than me in 2 months.

And one more thing, they aren't superheroes.

In fact, they are worst.

Coming in after the aircraft flies away is 10 times worst than being late for the brief, isn't it?

Of cos, I've came in at the wrong time.

Where nobody has time for us, they had time to make babies, go on holidays and eat peanut butter ice kachang.

These people will be future commanders, I feel no hope for myself here.

Human beings are human beings.

They bitch about things.

They are biased enough to decide your fate based on the thickness of your eyebrows and the colour of your car.

Assholes like us? We dun have a say.

This is already hell, there's no need for another hell week.

Sometimes I feel so wasted I rather stay at home and play the Sims 3.

So why dun I just leave?

Why am I bitching and being such a bitch when there's already no room for more bitches.

Because there are good men too.

There are men that u learnt to respect through their silent resilience, and the many things I've came to learnt.

These are leaders, that u chase out of Sqn every night because hey, I need to lock the gates.

These are men whom the place couldn't do without, and I feel so much admiration when I see them.

These men made me feel like I've came in at a wrong time, and things will only get better.

Enough about work, that is bitching about work.

I really wanna go catch some prawns and BBQ them.

Take a flight to NYC and OMG, the statue of liberty.

We live in a free world where nothing is free.

Maybe its a beautiful world, but not in the world I lived.

My Role Model

2011-06-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Madam.

A madam is just special in my male-dominated workplace.

Since I'm such a young, bright and promising 2LT, we are so gonna make great friends.

Aren't we?

So she lets off the pin and ruffles the hair at her forehead, and pin them up again.

''Caspian...'' She lets off an exasperated sigh.

I know, HAA, don't praise me.

Its too perfect my piece of work.

Its nothing really, dun even mention it.

Dun have to promote me, really.

No one else does it better.

Its just a blank piece of excel sheet and all you've gotta do is to fill it with names.

Type the names into the boxes, names into the boxes...

And there u r, a brilliant 2LT.

I'm smart, but apparently there's someone smarter in the room.

In less than a minute, the whole damn paper was filled with circles and question marks.

I was bemused, WTF.

Now the bitch doesn't appreciates my efforts.

I bothered to stay past 5pm to come out with sth out of nth when I could be at home coming out with 3 other friends and be happy MJ-ing.

In fact, I think it was already 9pm.

Undettered, and unhappy to be beaten by a bitch, I took the damn paper, and ran.

Back to the shags' room where assholes like myself work with pentium 2 computers.

I worked furiously at the piece of shit and ran back.

I REALLY need to go and play MJ now.

MORE circles, squares now... question marks and whatever the fuck.

Now this is what we call... a total bitch.

''Go home now, I wanna see it 9am tml morning''

She talked without looking at me, as if I were dirty, or unworthy.

I snapped.

I took the paper, resisted the temptation to smack, curse, spit or do anything that may land me in jail.

Why am I under such a bitch?

I ran and ran, suprised at the fact that she is always in that room, that corner, whatever the time.

''See this line?''

Oh God... its a line?

''It can be 0.2mm thicker.''

Those were the exact words she said.

FUCKING HELL.

Why the fuck am I here?! Why!?? 0.2mm?!

Bitch Alert.

I would siam, blend in, try to vanish.

And every thursday, the piece of paper gets done faster.

Less circles, more.. smiles.

And I start to really wonder, why is my Madam always here?

Doesn't she go home and u know, play MJ?

Watch soccer? Casino? A movie?

Then came a day where I worked really hard.

Like OMG I worked so hard I think I'm the most hardworking worker in the working world.

I'm so tired, and my life sucks.

I reached the wretched place and snoozed, boot up the com and oh fuck. Its thursday.

I searched for the forlorn file and saw it uploaded at.... 04:26am.

That was the exact time.

5 hours ago? Oh. Fuck. Who's gonna vet my paper now?

Miss Icy cold eyes must be having a day off.

I walked out the corridor and THERE. Icy cold bitch.

And I started to have the utmost admiration.

Whatever I was doing was so small that I started to feel ashamed I took so long to figure things out.

Whatever working hours I thought was long were a luxury.

''Ma'am, did u go home?''

And u know how she reacted?

She looked at me red-eyed, frowning.

''I've a stomachache, dunno wad I ate just now.''

I opened my mouth, I cannot understand OMG I'll never understand weird people.

But I still sucked at controlling.

So one fine day I decided to burst into tears when ICE (Icy Cold Eyes) took me.

I didn't cry, nor teared.

I BURST into tears.

As usual, she ruffles her hair, as if that would be a way to get into me.

''I was like u when I was younger.''

-Oh really?-

I stared at her, wide-eyed.

It was as if I found the strength potion and drank it.

U mean I could be like -OMG thats so fucking cooooooool-

-Chief Fighter (Raise eyebrows like Angelina Jolie does when she just killed a bastard)-

U mean I could be like a secret agent, defending the skies of out country.

OMG ME!! Katty the dumb bitch!

And that was the strength that saw me through my well. Final Exam.

Now who wanna post out when u r so vital to the defense of singapore?

I'm like the 2nd-in-line most impt bitch in the whole entire world (or so I thought).

The world needs me, they need Caspian.

I need to save the world, there's just too much villians.

''Pretend to drown''

That was the best advise I've ever received.

I look at the meagre 50m swimming pool at my feet.

I cannot swim, I told myself.

U know whats the difficult part about the entire swimming test?

It is to pretend that I can't fucking swim.

Throw my ugly dog into the pool and he will back-paddle with a cigarette in its mouth and make a twist at me.

Throw a pig in and u'll get 2 twists.

After an entire month drinking pool water, I decided to swim.

And u know, do things the proper adult way.

That will be to tell everybody else I don't wanna be here.

But really, who wants to listen to a stupid mushroom-haired 2LT?

Its been 16 months now.

And I'm listening to another incessant nagging session conducted by OMG-dunno-wad-she-talking.

It becomes a constant buzz that I grew to ignore, bcos if sth urgent happens it will be

''OI KATTY!!! R u listening to me?!?''

Eh, no?

I scheduled my head to nod at every pauses that she makes.

And programmed myself to say, YES.

I'm really brilliant sometimes.

''I was like u when I was younger.''

Why does it sounds so familar?

Why is everyone like me when they were younger?

And it strikes me.

I was overwhelmed with fear and serious fear.

I shook my head and NO, I'm not gonna be like u.

God take me away, to a better place.

I dunwanna pls, NOOOOOO.

Was it really a cold and inhumane world I once was in?

I remembered it was xmas.

And I was running, why am I always running?

''DO U HAVE THE LOCKER KEY?''

Oh, I forgot to mention I share a locker with Captain ICE.

There, key. I smiled brightly, MY IDOL~!

She is so cool when she ask for the locker key! Whao!

''Go fetch me the brown paper bag in the locker''

I swallowed, am I a dog?

But for the Chief and the utmost defense of the entire world, I shall do it.

Wad issit anyway? Sanitary Pads? Which is worth alot in there anyways.

I fetched the brown paper bag, and she said ''Merry Xmas'' , passed it back to me.

I wanted to cry.

In it was a note that says... Doesn't matter if u suck (really. do i?), u can be everything.

Everything.

Everything I ever wanted, was to be like u.

I secretly wants to sit at that OMG so cool seat, and say '' Aye fuckers, this is THE world coolest ever Chief Fighter with the sexiest hair-do ever.

( In the most sexy tone, of course.)

Although I'm not sure if u can give such a long introduction.

And a box of chocolates.

And there were times when she went overseas,

and brought me a book, and a bottle.

Its just a book, and a bottle.

I wanted to hug someone and cry.

I was just a lowly life-form, maybe worst, I'm a 2LT.

And the world's most cool Chief brought me a present.

Thank you madam.

Now back to project Echo Romeo.

The constant pursuit of Happiness

2011-05-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Its been very warm lately, must be the GE.

My vote is a secret, so I'm not gonna talk more.

I'm searching for the next big thing, and I'm kinda serious about it.

I mean, I bought a book and read about life.

Pretty serious, the most serious serious I'll ever be, seriously.

And it says whatever that makes u happy is whatever excites u.

So whatever it is that excites me?

Seriously, the only thing I can think of is a pair of Ace.

A hand of concealed super brilliant MJ tiles.

I get really high on soccer betting too.

I'm a problem gambler, yes.

But I've grown up this way.

I've grown up feverishly checking live score cos the movie, however interesting, cannot interest me.

Yes The Iphone 4 allows u to check live scores anywhere, anytime.

I've grown up ruffling my hair, shoulders slumped, asking mom why no picture?

I guess it will take a miracle to banish me into ordinary, to become like an ordinary human girl who paints her toe nails in 11 different colours.

I've been busy.

Running round the globe, stretching time, skipping sleep.

The raspberry eye masks will not save me, I figured that out.

The constant sense of fufillment that I do more and more with my time sucks me in. Its not healthy.

But I wanna do this. I wanna see the big project gets done and be part of it.

I wanna see the plane take off in fashion and cup my ears lest I couldn't hear what the dealer says next time.

I spent some good years in the force, it shouldn't end so abruptly.

Exams coming, whao.

If only its on MJ, blackjack or anything else but corporate law.

Time for bed before I commit fratricide tomorrow.

Stop wandering start wondering

2011-04-19T08:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a story, a most thoughts provoking story to me.

There was fisherman, and businessman.
Rich Businessman met poor fisherman at a fishing village one day.
Businessman ''Hello, what do u do each day?''
Fisherman ''Oh, I catch 2 fishes everyday. Give one to the wife to cook for dinner. After dinner with the family, I sell the other fish at the market. Took the money and go for beer with my friends.''
Each day, life was as such for the fisherman.
Businessman suffered a brain cramp upon hearing this.
Businessman suggests ''Why not you do more each day?''
Fisherman ''How so?''
Businessman ''Instead of 2 fishes, catch 10.''
Fisherman ''What for?''
Businessman rolled eye, ''give 1 for the family for dinner, sell the other 9''
Fisherman''What happens then?''
Now businessman was impaitient in his reply ''Make more money!!''
Fisherman ''What for?''
Businessman ''Open a fish market!!!!! Then make more money, expand towards the region. In 10 years, you'll be rich!''
Fisherman ''What happens then?''
Businessman suffered a mental stroke, why this fisherman so dumb?
''Invest in property, stocks, bonds.....''
Fisherman still asks ''What happens after that?''
Businessman ''TAKE THE MONEY, GO RETIRE TO A SMALL VILLAGE. CATCH 2 FISHES EVERYDAY. GIVE ONE TO THE WIFE FOR DINNER. AFTER DINNER, SELL THE OTHER FISH. TAKE THE MONEY AND GO DRINK BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.!!''
Fisherman.... ''But isn't that what I'm doing now?''

Which is the smarter man really?
Which is the man u will wanna be?

I chose fisherman, and thought everyone else is stupid to study so damn hard, work so damn hard, be so damn dumb.
But for saving stories for the grandchildren, for a fun-filled rollercoaster ride, for explainations to St Peter when I reach the heavenly gates and for a whole tour round earth, I'm changing my mind.

Life, as we know it.

2011-04-14T10:03:00.001-07:00

*Choke* Seems like cobwebs are accumulating here eh. It was just yesterday that I spoke to a colleague of mine. With him telling me his dream is to fly to Africa and save the poor people. I kept a straight face, put on a really serious look. But deep inside, we all know how hard that is gonna be. I mean, if u have ever been on an airplane, and watch those boring videos on how to put on an oxygen mask, u will know that u put on your own mask before helping somebody else. What I'm driving at is the best way to help the poor you will have to firstly, not to be one of them. I'm not trying to say we're all gonna be selfish bitches and watch people die and LAUGH OUT LOUDLY at them. Its just, really out of my capacity sometimes. I wish I can do more for the world, and save it from turmoils. Afterall, who wouldn't wanna be the romantic spiderman to save a whole train of ordinary folks from the horrible bitch-look-alike green globin? Its beautiful, the whole big concepts. What makes it even better is it ain't gonna be just talk. Its gonna take something substantial to stop my weekly mahjong affairs. The whole substantial bitch is schoolwork. As spiderman would have saved the whole train of ordinary folks easily, THE Mahjong Prodigy wouldn't be too overwhelmed by some mere schoolwork. Except. Maybe. Well its really difficult. I would give u an example. Say... What do u think is the ''voice of the customer''? Explain with illustration. Hhmmmm... Very well. Voice. Illustration. I contemplated failing. Then was torn between crying and threatening suicide. In the end, the easier way out was to swap questions with a project mate. So I ended up with Law. Say, advise Bala on the available business structures he can adopt for his outdoor food catering business. The only business structure I can really think of is changing the layout of his food catering business into a mahjong den. A good 6 tables should suffice. Talking about business. I now launch into a pitless shithole into this big plan named set up your own cafe. I have already no time to visit the foot massage palour where I truly find inspiration weekly (Inspired by sharing stories of my Genting/MBS/RWS trips with my folks there). All I seem to get were questions and 2 human civillian girls though smart, could not understand ''chop chop curry pok'' nor ''huan lou liao ***********'' Basically, army terms. Its just me, growing to be a little different. I don't care if some boys look at me, wink at me, say hello to me, smile at me and I don't care if no boys do. It doesn't matter as long as my mother and father are around, there will be people who love me very much. Of cos, if everyone is like me then Singapore is gonna crack. No babies uh. No cute looking monsters that makes u love and hate them. No little girls in pony tails tugging hastily at their mother's shirt as I whisked past in my Number 3 (Yes officers do walk quickly, I need to catch the bus), saying ''Look ma! Police'' HA. HAHAHA. I frowned and shook my head, as if knowing what she did secretly, maybe overturn some stuff at the supermarket, kids love to do that. I adore children. They are the future we will never get to see. Life, as we all know by now. Its either you fill your life with days, or you fill your days with life. So I went filling it with work, school, tuition, learning driving...etc. The next big thing, I'm going on a diet. I feel as though I weigh 52KG when I really weigh just... 40. Its my life, and I live it around me. Its 0147. I wish I never have to leave you. It just comes to show how much we both love each other. Why tear us apart? I wanna be with you... my beloved....bed. Work can really be a turn off in the morning. Love killer.

Mute

2011-03-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Project Echo Romeo. Whenever I think about it, I wanna stop thinking about it. I wanna stop talking about it. I was willing myself to turn pale enough to blend into the walls so I dun have to listen to the same things over and over again. The same war stories, battle scars and sleepless nights of everyone else's lives, but mine. Then it all goes to the big plans, the wonderful life and the beautiful beaches alongside some castle look alike mansions. The could have beens that I never got to see. Of cos I felt heartened to know that people actually took the time to talk to me. But I still never really understood why I was wanted to stay. If its for an additional number in the statistics that is all matters, then I'll give this place a number, and u gimme my pink IC. There was once a commander who told the bunch of us during my cadet days to look into the mirror and recite the officers' creed every morning when we brush our teeth. I tried to keep a straight face when I heard that but deep down I wanted to roll with laughter. Me?? Recite some creed early in the morning?? I would rather be play mahjong in my mind and contemplate in what situation should I throw Hong Zhong when I have a pair of Fa Cai. Or should I hit on 13 against a dealer's 2. I mean, pontoon doesn't have that many pictures... Until the next morning I woke up and brush my teeth, and I was reciting the creed. Silently, of cos. And the mornings after, I'm so looking forward to life after everything turns golden. As in my rank turns gold, belts, jacket, brevet.... And this is all that happens after all the war stories. After all the field camp, route marches, navigation, waking up 0530, fall in, change parades, washing toilets, stand-by bunk, theory tests...... This is my life. Everyday I wake up wondering why didn't I sleep in. Shouldn't I be wearing all the cool badges and golden stuff and saving the world?? Didn't the world need me?? Whatever happened to all the big plans?? I guess my mother was right, this world will never change for us baby. Nobody really wants to know how good you are, They wanna see it, then they will believe.

A millionaire

2011-03-25T22:57:00.001-07:00

Glad the course is over, no more essay writing, dunno-wad-i-writing essay writing that is.
Dunno-wad-i-talking giving briefs.
But i've came to learn many things.
Like how much a pilot my age earns, for instance.

I wonder how my cafe is coming along.
I wish its a virtual one, so I can just check it online everday.
Sometimes we say things for the sake of saying things,
but really, whats the point.

A man has 24 hours in a day.
I need more time do my schoolwork!!

My buddy

2011-03-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

Its my 9th day on course tomorrow at AFS.
Somehow, I like to call it Air Force School even though the name has changed.
Because it is AFS that made me laugh and cry, with my buddy, of cos.

Being on course is just another brilliant exuse for me to skip school.
I mean, school is very far leh.
But I only been to school once this semester, once.
And that one time, I fell asleep ended up lying on the guy on my right.
In my uniform. Brilliant.
Just comes to show how much work I've to do.
Its 0215, I'm just done with the bitch course project.
I've wasted a ton of paper, not me actually.
I wish they go to brunei and find out how mentally physically and emotionally draining to chop down one damn tree.

The smoking corner is one place u find out who u really are.
I've met many people from all walks of life, my coursemate included.
They are driving this, dating that who who who, buying that place and what-so-ever.
Then it suddenly dawned on me!!!
I need to make alot of money!!!
Once I do that the whole world spins.
I should stop living in pretence and ignorant of the true meaning of having alot of money, and that is freedom.
Freedom comes at a price of approximately 50 grand per annum. I worked that out in 2 seconds.
So I sat down and worked it out further.
I can do alot of things sitting down and thinking, its my talent. That explains my flair for Mahjongoly.
Whatever u ask from the world, it will give.
So if u think ur worth a grand every single month, then u get a grand.
If u think ur worth 3, u will work your ass off for 3k.
So how much am I worth??
I mean look at me, I'm getting fat and old.
My dark eye rims would not tone down despite my late fanatism for rasberry eye masks.
I don't look like Angelina Jolie's stand in Tomb Raider extra.
(Which I secretly wants to be)
I can't sing like Kelly Clarkson, I dance like a tree in a thunderstorm.
I can't do public speaking, I'll threaten suicide.
And damn my education, I forgot all the biology and chemistry and law theories.
I guess I have to think of sth, before I turn 34 and am still fat.

My mother came home one day and said ''BAO, we're moving!!!''
No. When my mother say we're moving, we're fucking moving in 2 months max.
The house was sold within a week.
There goes my room where I lay on my warm bed and stare at the stars above cos they look like mahjong tiles somehow.
And we haven bought a new flat.
And we have to move out.
And I'm gonna sleep on the streets cos I've already made best friends with the stray cat underneath my blk.
And I'm not bringing my ugly dog with me.

I saw a ferrari under my house the other day and circled it.
Looks no better than the FairladyX parked next to it.
And wondered for the upteen time, where did these fuckers get all the money to buy all these shit??
And why are they staying here??
Shouldn't they be parked away at some castle-lookalike mansion that has 10 basements??
I guess maybe, these guys own the whole block.

Time to sleep before I commit fratricide later on.

Extreme PMS

2011-03-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

All sorts of human beings will come across days where everything goes wrong.
So mine came today.
I wish I have a better reason to cry, so its more worthwhile to, u see.
But all I can come up with are bullshit.
I wish I ain't so smart.
That I have retarded senses and feelings.
So I dun have to act so dumb.
Why is the whole world so hard on us??
Why can't we get by without some sort of invisible restrictions imposed on us??
Why can't I live like I dun care??
Actually, why can't I??
I dun need the damn world.
Its the damn world that needs me.

Honestly I think I'm under alot of stress.
Come to think of it, its alot of stress.
Maybe thats why we all wanna escape.
To a place where I dun have to wake up, jolted upright red-eyed and wondering what the fuck.
Look at myself and wonder what the fuck.
Look around me and wonder oh god, what the fuck.

I should stop refusing the news.
Stop running, let them catch me, and banish me into ordinary.
I'm not special and I never will be.

I hate you and fuck off my mind.

25th WSO

2011-03-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

Then who's gonna defend Singapore???
Coursemates are a funny, special bunch of people in your heart.
Those u can never forget.

Oi, I banged heavily on the guys only metal door, desparate to get Pokka up.
We have an assignment the next day to submit.
He slept through, I worked the whole night.
Its our first day, so we better greet everyone.
Ginkgo, being dumb, held the door and bowed to a lady.
He greeted her so loud we wanted to faint.
She's a specialist, u see.
We had so much fun in the dark dark room.
Climbing fleets of stairs to fall asleep somewhere.
Fetching all sorts of rubbish and having nothing better to do.
I remembered crying after a sortie, and the 3 of them danced for me.
Its 6 plus, way past going home time.
We waited at the smoking corner, for some big plans to work out.
We're gonna talk to him, but he didn't listen.
Come to think of it, we were nothing but a bunch of 2LT whose only use at that point of time was to fetch macdonalds.
Hilltop Idol. I was laughing.
In fact, we were all laughing.
Pokka was singing and dancing at the stage, and I knelt down in front of everyone to offer him a rose.
Its my last day, and we should celebrate.
I had to regulate my breathing when they all hug me and we sang Pu Gong Ying De Yue Ding.
The next day we went to a wedding, and Ginkgo split red wine all over me.
But thats only bcos he wanted to grab the fattest abalone for me.
Then we went Zouk.
The music I cant sync.
Spoiler snapped a picture of us with his BB.
Come to think of it, he's bloody good looking.

And so I left, to create my own story.
We promised to meet up, and sing together again.
I will go back for some reasons every now and then,
so we can eat lunch at Bukit panjang plaza again.
So we can bitch about all sorts of people again.
And how Spoiler has a new GF, Pokka has a new GF, Ginkgo has a new GF.
And I didn't have any new BF.

I saw Ginkgo today again.
He told me his life, and holds the cell phone I always wanted to hold.
I told him my Brunei experience, I ate a sago worm.
Killed a quill and slept through thunderstorms.
We made new friends and new resolutions.
So if I ever take away some memories, a bulk of them would be my coursemates.
I'm happy to be part of the big plans, how we're gonna rule this place in 10 years.
We'll play club hits at the background, and slack at the ring of fire.
Bully all the 2LT and order them to do things bcos we don't like their face.
It was a splendid dream, even if its broken anyway.

Love the sinner

2011-03-08T06:31:00.000-08:00

I don't need a mirror.
The world is my reflection.
I hate the sin, but I somewhat fell in love with the sinner.

Its a long week, the weekends especially.
Gruesome, bitch.
If I were to die of a disease, it shall be sleep disorder hyperthermia.
But well, Thomas Edison can survive on 4 hours of sleep per day.
So I should be able to.
Hell, I will never be Thomas Edison.
Maybe he took drugs anyway.

The primary 6 science syllabus did mention that we are all born to be part of a network of this big big world.
Inevitably, whatever u do has an immediate impact on those around u.
So if u go and buy a bowl of prawn noodles, u have an impact on the prawn noodles auntie.
If u say a few words, it can bring a whole load of meaning to things.
It was taught when we all were 12 year olds, so have we learn??
To make someone's day,
Not break their hearts.
To lift a spirit,
Not tear it apart.

''But u never knew why u were here''
Its over a year now.
I'm getting impatient, and keeping a straight face lest I show my defiance.
U would be if u were me.
''Bcos they didn't want u''
These 5 simple words broke my heart.
My breathing somehow mis-cued but I didn't want to cry.
I couldn't exactly hide my emotions that well so I tried biting my lips.
I scanned the room for distractions and willed the damn phone to ring.
It didn't.
Over the years I've came to realize the only way to control my tears is actually to cry.
The damage was done.

So it all didn't happen.
All the big plans.
But it may not all be wasted,
cos I've got the bigger plans.

I have this feeling that God is playing a game, like The Sims.
And I'm just one of the 6 billion Sims He has.
Maybe we all don't have a say over our destiny, its all in the click of His mouse.
He must be really tickled now, its quite a rollercoaster ride.

University, where all my other JC friends have completed by now is just not that easy.
End of Course Assignment is such a bitch.

Don't waste your talent, on what was never meant to be.

Don't look back in anger

2011-03-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

040311.
One last God forsaken assignment.
This is driving me crazy.

A discussion, so we have to discuss things.
I'm zoning out listening to all the world's could-have-been.
There could have been more training,
could have been less bullshit,
could have been faster upgrades.
There could have been more off days.
U get the point.
U know what, I could have been out of here and finish up my brief.
And pray Voldemort (The Harry Potter evil monster) needs to go to his vampire get-together urgently and won't ask me any questions.
So the video runs in my mind...
There were 20 people in the meeting room.
I had to give the forlorn brief.
And a Voldemort look-alike dressed like a death-eater was questioning my every single word on the slides.
Exasperated, I broke down crying and threatened to kill myself with a swiss army knife I packed.
And comes a hero, snatching the army knife from me and pointed it at Voldemort, He casted -Be gone, U son of darkness-
And the whole damn thing ended.
Oh fuck, I haven't seen his face.

I dunno wads with me lately,
maybe its influence.
Maybe its a stage in life.
Or maybe I'm not getting enough sleep.
I have this sudden urge to go get married.
And sleep in all day, goes to the massage palour, and sleep again.

Time for assignment.

Rejoice and love yourself today,
Cause baby we were born this way~

Where is the call??

2011-02-26T04:47:00.000-08:00

I woke up and waited for your call.
But it never came.
So maybe I should look forward to sth else in life.
Like going to timbre or meet up some old friends.
But that would be such a waste of my otherwise precious time.

Recently, my time has been so precious in fact, that I did not play MJ, not much at least. I've been doing work, giving tuition and. school. which is a total bitch.
It ate up my whole sat afternoon.

So I dropped everything at hand.
Got my mother to entertain my 3 other friends playing MJ at my place.
Write off sending an old friend at the airport.
Doesn't matter if the cafe meeting needs me.
And fuck the shit group assignment.
Just so I can be with u.
I was expecting sth really fun.
It turned out to be a ''know yourself better'' session.
That I dun like to sit down and drink beer.
I dun like to watch football I never wager on.
I dun like to walk along the beach with no suntanning to do.
I dun like to sit in a million dollar car.
But I still like u.

Its time for MJ, yay!

one busy woman

2011-02-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

Done the GBA like finally, with the dateline at 230211.
Before I know it, there's another one coming up on the 27th.
Does this ever ends???
Honestly this whole school thing is quite a bitch.
But, once again, as always, I chose to do it.
So I have to stick to it, I guess.

Like I chose to sign on the wordy document that says ''Your screwed'' essentially in summary.
Alright they didn't really screw me.
In fact, I get access to many free shirts, shorts, meals... everything essential.
I've these 2 bars on each of my shoulders to shield me from bullshit.
But sometimes, they invited more bullshit instead.
Anyways I've agreed to stay till an estimated aug-dec period.
If its gonna take longer than that den so be it.
I don't really know how the cafe will work out now that I've work, school, tuition and of cos, MJ.
But I'm already in so I won't go back on my words.
Anyways I thought its such a brilliant idea and tremendous efforts were put in.
I mean, this is the 1st time I receive a powerpoint slide that says ''smoking is the downside of Katty''.
Civillians, wad do they know really. LOL.
So I concluded on another time-sapping activity that I'll be doing for the next few months. ( Its money-sapping too ).
I'm taking a 5th driving test. YAY!!

I survived on 4 hours of sleep for the past 8 days or so.
I mean, if Thomas Edision can sleep 4 hours/day so can I right???
Wrong. I'm no Thomas. I've a much sexier name.
I looked at the weather radar and I struggled to make out whats happening.
I struggled for weather-related words like thunderstorms and lightnings and rain.
I struggled with a Pri 6 math question regarding postcards.
And I laughed.

As I settle at the smoking corner where the most constructive thoughts of my day were always finalized, I often hear things that left me perplexed.
I realized that blessed people do not look beyond their good lives and trace the source of it.
And I'm one of them.
I'd been asking myself why, why get ur ass up early in the morning and road march a 2km route to the deathly hallows.
I struggled to convince myself, to discipline myself and to compose myself.
I struggled to answer why.
Things can get pretty confusing sometimes and the more u try to push it to the back of ur head, the more they come back to haunt u.
But if u sit down, quietly, and think about wad u've done for others, the whole entire place den u'll get a different feel altogether.
I've came to realize I'm always bitching about it, so sore about things.
U want to feel like an officer,
but wad have u done to deserve the title??
I've 300 days to go.
Allow me to give something back in return.

Oh, my big Las Vegas plans.
My caravan.
My sleep in all day without a care in the world.
The time of my life.

I've became a secret admirer of somebody.
Sounds. Like. Sexy.
Sounds like a big plan, minus the hurtful reality of the bad romance I'm caught in.
Maybe too much schoolwork really does damages to the brain.
Bcos Charming ain't your usual pretty boy.
But beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, as we all know by now.

Ok, in order to prevent fratricide tomorrow ( I'm playing paintball again. At the same place again ), I shall sleep.
Nights world.
Nights Charming. =)

Lethargy

2011-02-21T07:42:00.001-08:00

Its midnight.
I'm yet to start on my assignment.
Oh God.
My mind plays the windows shut down ringtone '' deng deng deng deng '' once I got home, maybe and definately, I'll procrastinate one day more.

Etched to my memory is one heartwarming scenario that gave me many fuzzy emotions.
Its the dark dark room.
I was nervous. Its like an exam, like a driving test and I'm nervous.
Or more appropriately, its a controlling mission.
And its a test, A TEST.
Ma'am pulled me to a corner, just seconds before everything.
She's such an eccentric person and I dun wish to get scolded before my next big thing in life.
I had hoped she would shut up and vanish somehow.
But all she ever did, she gave me a Merci chocolate, the blue one.
'' Eat liao confirm pass one ''
I almost turned into stone, like everything is frozen.
From then on nothing becomes too difficult.
Coming out with a programme every thurs becomes easier than telling a joke.
Whats so hard about walking some fleet FLEET fleet of stairs to buy breakfast???
=)
Thank you.

Dear Buddy,
I wrote this reply somewhere and it got deleted.
So I shall write it here.
How is UK???
Does it still snows??
And who's that guy in your profile picture???
I'm sorry but did he pass away???
Anyways, I sent u an sms during xmas.
And it appears on my HP bill, so u should have gotten it bitch.
I'm good, still alive.
MBS was alot of fun, wished u were here.
I'm gonna take a 5th driving test.
So we can drive up to Genting and shout ''PICTURE'' again.
That was alot of fun.
Anyways I'm really dying of fatigue.
I got this bitch assignment I haven't started.
Schoolwork is a bitch. Waking up is a bitch. Going to work is a bitch.
Essentially, life is a bitch.
U know wad? Maybe I'll join u soon.
And u know wad else?? I'm gonna get a one way air ticket.
Better still, I'll get myself a caravan.
And I can sleep in all day, freed from online quizzes.
Which happens to be a bitch.
Cheers.
Master Wu Gui & me.

Wonderful Tonight

2011-02-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Its Valentine's day.
I remembered the last time I celebrated sth on the 14th Feb.
I was 18, Eric was 18.
He came in a limousine.
And we had Lawry's.
And I had flowers, very costly.
6 years has passed, so how are you now??

Have I grown up too fast??
Or was I one of the slower ones??

There's nothing lovely to think about this Valentine's.
I'm preparing my speech as I march into office tml.
Sir, can you gimme back my PINK IC??

I wish its as simple as that.
No questions, no resistance.

OH pls go LTA Katty, its not like we need you.
We dun really need someone to twang here everyday.
Bye.

I need a holiday, bring me away.
Maybe I'll visit michelle in Newcastle.
And maybe, go skydiving.
Maybe, and out of here definately.

The best damn thing

2011-01-26T02:50:00.000-08:00

I told Katty the infatuation will not last 10 days, and am wrong.
Whatever the fuck was I thinking??

This is my 2nd MC in a week.
I don't wanna know whats in for me back at work tomorrow.
Wouldn't it be brilliant if I live like this each day??
No rush factor, brain cramped due too much thoughts before action.
No hidden sacarsm to decipher, come on, how old are we now???
No wasting of time listening to things I don't wanna know, don't really know.
Doing things that i doubt will ever work.
No counting down to some magical timings so I can depart for home.
What for??
All I know is, this is not what I want to do for the many future years.

Project Echo Romeo.
300 days to go.

Being a human being is kinda tiring, I must constantly think of ways to get by, ways to get better, have more money in the stash.
Maybe next lifetime, I'll be a cow, or a kitten.
Everyday I'll just sleep and eat grass.
How brilliant.
But sometimes I think of all the fun at MBS, maybe I wanna be a statue there.
Its the only place on Earth I can be whoever I wanna be, no surprise.

I don't wanna count all the way to the end, and hear u say the word stay.

On a lighter note, its school time.
School just gives me tons of excuses for everything else.
To skip everything else.
This is my 2nd sem, and its so much better.
I know where to go, to print notes and how to cheat in the quiz.

Signing off,
LTA STAR

烦

2011-01-21T06:12:00.000-08:00

最进有点烦。

Welcome Party, as always.
The same bunch of rowdy men.
I've never called myself STAR, cos I don't think I can live up to it.

This is a most gruesome week, so hard to get by.
I do things quickly, but when it comes to making decisions, I'm worst den the snails crawling by the roadside.
I didn't make this decision to leave in a week, or 2.
It was made over months of sucking nicotine by a quiet corner.
I'm not pulling up the brakes, no.

I didn't fall for someone in a week or 2 neither.
So how can I fall for the wrong man???
Shouldn't things be considered a little more logically???
LTA Katty, how come???

I need a good distraction.
And its not school.

梦

2011-01-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

Its monday, everyone hates monday.
Its a torture to wake up and I just don't think I can cut it this time.

There has never been one thing which I set my mind to do and couldn't do, except for the forlorn driving license.

Project Echo Romeo.
Its not gonna come easy, I know.
I'm giving up what I worked for for the past 3 years of my youth.
At the peak of my life, it was a brilliant 3 years.
Its gonna take a hell load of courage, and money.
I never really had to worry for money my whole 23 years bcos I have this bottomless ATM at home. A cash cow, as she calls herself.
But that cow is a little ageing now, a little tired and that spate of greying hair that breaks my heart.
I need to do something about my life, and now.

If I have a daughter, I'm gonna name her 喜儿。

S.T.A.R

2011-01-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

S.T.A.R!!!!!
Welcome Party, as always.
A bunch of rowdy men, lots of beer and raw eggs.
I was always amongst the ones being initiated.
And the most prominent, as any female would be.
But I'm not most females, i've balls.
As in courage, and entertainment value.
How I've came from Caspian to S.T.A.R I don't know.
I'm a soldier, things are not in my control.

My new SQN, where dreams are supposed to come true.
I don't really know wad I did wrong, why I got so unmotivated.
Why things got so out of my league, and why everyone else seems to fit in just right, but me.
Why is it always, LTA Katty???

I closed my eyes in despair at the corner where no one finds me.
100111, I broke the no tears new year resolution in just 10 days?!?!
Instead of thinking of ways to get up i'm plotting ways out.
It won't be too long, neither will it be a surprise.

There's a dairy I kept when I was a cadet to count the days to my Great day, where we throw our peak caps so high it matches our spirits.
Its been more than a year since dat day, 130609.
In an ironic way, OCT Katty Chen was so much happier.

Its over for me, I'm not fighting anymore, I'm tired.
I'm not gonna try to convince myself how wonderful things are.
Maybe the critics are right for once, I won't fit into the armed forces.
I've the luckluster attitude that kind of legs who wouldn't run for the bus even if I'm late.
I remember Gynn, my bed buddy, talking defiantly at me while I convince her she doesn't have any castrophobic syndromes, that she just wants to escape it all.
She said I will never understand, bcos I want to be happy, while she is after personal achievements.
Maybe after one big round the entire place, I wish I was the one feeling castrophobic, so I never had to climb all the way up, to fall down harder.
U know why didn't I?? I was after the sword of honour, now thats personal achievements.
But in the end I didn't get it, I got a merit paper that says second best.
And I don't know where it goes now.

On other notes, school is starting.
CNY is coming, I swear to revamp my tornado-hit room.
There's so many things I wanna do.
Like take a flight to new york, and see if the statue of liberty is as it is in slot machines.
And go to Las Vegas, where dreams come true, I'm pretty sure this time.
Go to Taiwan, I really want to eat the oyster mee sua.
Go downstairs for a swim, how long haven't I done that??
Go do facial, book a 5th driving test ( Fuck it ), learn how to say ''Picture'' and ''Ace'' in malay ( I actually once heard it in tamil, but I forgot the pronounciation ).
Go to the beach, how long haven't I gone to a beach???
Or just sleep in at home the whole day, freed from worries ( of being recalled ).
I wanna go do all these, one more time before I die.

Gonna leave this, world for a while

2011-01-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

''RECALL!!!''
My father screamed.
My father, sth is wrong.
I jolted, fuck, RECALL.
I got out of the house in my number 3 so fast I probably broke a world record.
I'm late, I know. I shouldn't have slept at all.
I did try to put 2 phones at my ears, one each. But to no avail.
I got a big scolding, expected.

WAKE UP.
Every bloody morning, i'm just not a morning person.
Maybe I'm tired, sick of these shit.
Why would I wanna do that??
I'm too young to grow old without a cause.

I wanna go and live my life.

Inconsolable

2010-12-13T10:02:00.000-08:00

0200Hrs, monday morning.
Just finished watching Rapunzel with my sister and war-crafting.
As I lay on my warm bed I get nervous.
Its my big day, 13th dec.
Its my 4th driving attempt.
1330, I woke up apprenhensive.
My mind tangles when I think of the scenario later.
I was comtemplating whether I should just go back and sleep in.
But that will be so dumb.
1630, I'm in the waiting room.
Where your name gets called by the lord of hell, or the tester.
I almost require rescue breathing by then, when God decided to cry for me ( By creating a thunderstorm ).
1700Hrs, its all over in a frenzy.
The tester got tired of typing in his PDA before I even exit the circuit.
I mounted the curb 3 times. Three.
I should have gone easy on the nicotine, cause it didn't really calm me down.

And I got on a bus, the 1st bus that came along, any bus.
I was inconsolable, weeping like a 6 year old whom couldn't find her way home.
Ok, I didn't exactly weeped. I teared, like any adult like 23 year old whom just failed her 4th driving test.
That's when highlights of stories need to come along, my Mom called.
I stared at the phone flashing and screaming for my attention.
But no, I don't wish to talk.
In fact, I don't wanna do anything at all.
Except, maybe, playing Mahjong.

So I went playing Mahjong, a game I am pretty sure I'm born for.
As the game goes on my mind was still on the cluth pedal, WHY DIDN'T I DEPRESS THE FUCKING CLUTH PEDAL.
And I won, 200 bucks.

Its like the penalty given to Chelsea last night.
In the dying minutes of a game I betted on draw and standing at 1-1.
Drogba took the penalty, I closed my eyes.
Buried my face in my hands and MISS, HE MISSED IT!!!!!!!
I couldn't help dancing around the room.
I love Didier Drogba.

Its all gonna be better, my life.
A few more driving test will only make me a better driver.
And maybe, have more money to get a fanciful car.

Its 0200Hrs again, and today is a working day.
I smiled as I type this cause I did the usual unthinkable task that no one could have done.
I made Katty smile again.

If I could be like that

2010-12-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

Its saturday, yeah baby.
I'm contemplating whether to finish up making chawamushi.
Yes, I can make chawamushi.
And awaiting my MJ legs responses.

Next week will be one of doodads.
A doodad is a business term for sth that occurs unexpectantly that takes money out of your pocket.
Like a driving test, or a new Iphone.
Its my fucking 4th driving test.
I better pass or I shall play MJ till I do.

I hope my dearest friend will come good on monday, and be safe.
Cheers, shit happens in life.
So we take the shit, and flush it down the toilet.
Cry as we watch it spiral and gets sucked into the big hole.
Come the end of the day, we are who we always are again.
Renegades, and contributing to the world as if we are not.

Baby ain't it funny how we never ever learn to fall?
We'd be on our knees, we think we're standing tall.
But only fools are know-it-alls,
and I played that fool for you.
Wad a thing to do.

Some people they don't change,
I would still like to save the world one day.

Can I go to Boston??

2010-11-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

Insomia.. due to a nightmare that awoke me at 0300.
I dreamt that my Supervising Officer wants to kill me.
I guess I should laugh about it instead, because he is a very funny man.

Anyways, I'm really into this getting a car thing.
I need a car. I need a car license desparately.
I want to wake up in the morning and have prawn noodles before I go to work, thats why.

Yesterday was the 1st time I tutored someone since I was 20.
I made the fatal choice of signing on the document that says ''your screwed, bitch''.
But it really ain't that bad, I've came to learn many things.
How to kill a chicken was one of them.
How to survive without any form of civilisation was the greater one.

I'm having this sudeen urge to go to Boston, or the UK.
Where it snows, like in fairytales.
Its where no one knows my name, and I can start anew.
Its not like I tainted myself back home, its just.... mandune.
And its getting worse since I came back from exam leave.
I don't know wad I do each day.
I don't know why I bothered to get off my warm bed each morning.
Will it make a huge difference if I wasn't around?
Would it be different at all??
No, not that I know of.

My sister is leaving the Navy.
I'm tempted, very.
Why not leave it all behind and go where I was supposed to in my dreams?
With all that tall buildings with a hundred floors and my G2000 business suit.
Where people uses Iphones, okay, thats not the main point.
My bond ends in 6 months.
I made the choice of wearing uniforms again at the age of 21.
Guess I would have to make one more when I turn 24 next year.
But why leave a warm place with so much stability?
Where no one can sack you unless you decide to be an idiot.
I'm going round and round, no resolution.

Its very cold lately, and I hate cold weathers.
Guess I need to sleep.

My first time

2010-11-23T07:41:00.000-08:00

Good evening,
I decided to change into a new blog skin.
And erase all my previous posts.
I read through them, they were precious.
I was really a pretty dumb kid.
I pick up snails on the road so they would not get run over by cars??
I mean, they might be suicidal why did I bother.
I grew so quickly over the years.
The postings get less frequent, and they are usually filled with frustrations and remorse.

I met up an old friend today, and she is troubled.
And there's nothing I could have done to save her, could I?

My exam paper went in a frenzy.
I'm well trained to perform without sleep,
by our latest IRs of course.
Nothing fazes me too much anymore.
While I was playing MJ that day, a lizard dropped on my hand and I coolly brushed it aside. Everyone stared. I guess I was suppose to jump and scream and start a revolution and petition against the existence of lizards on Earth.
Aye, lizard la. Not dinosaur.

This week has been filled with events where I witnessed the loss and creation of life.
I guess God wants to remind me that I promise to have a daughter before I die.
Because little girls so melt my heart.

I'm upon celebrating my quarter life, as it said in the magazines.
And I'm supposed to be in the midst of rediscovering myself.
Who I'm, who I'm not and who I wanna be.
I wish they have a standard operating procedure for this.

I tried to suffocate myself of activities that will bring me down.
I don't get into relationships anymore because I know how painful they can be.
How you couldn't control your emotions and it gets too much for me.
I don't get into quarrels anymore because they are really pointless, I mean I try not to.
I don't make big expectations of myself anymore because there are too many implications when you fail.
In other words, I don't really know myself anymore.

Maybe its time for an evolution.

price for 2 words

2009-10-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

she said, '' looks good ''.

dats all.

looks good.

its monday morning.

im feeling groggy from all dat mahjong.

all dat losing in mahjong, more acurately.

wad happened katty?

muz be the stall, it maxes me out.

and the football.

'' so whats the ship for caspian ?''

shit, me.

wad ship? wad ship?

wad?? how?? who?? shipp???!

i looked desparately at my coursemates.

they can only shrug, face blank.

honestly, wad was i expecting from them?

wad can i expect from people who do sth, and thinks people like me r doing nth becoz he is doing sth.

so i racked my own brain,

and came up with sth half correct.

ok time to do shit works.

buying food for the whole squadron.

its quite fun actually,

much better den going for briefs!

these are the times i actually like my coursemates.

pls, dun ask me.

i dunno wad does MDES stands for.

it doesn't really concern me, right?

''so caspian, whats MDES?''

fuck.

i got it correct.

somethings r just buried somewhere in ur brain.

''so whats the sqn mission?''

correct.

''so wads the SAF mission?''

half way there.

'' and caspian,''

now im REALLY starting to HATE dat name.

oh its my SIR.

i just need to put in names on an excel sheet, and print it out, den put it on the table.

easy uh??

i did so, time checked, 545pm.

i've got driving lessons at 730pm, enough time to get dinner and chain smoke somewhere.

(with my civillian wear of coz)

i failed at the final step.

actually i've got the idea b4 i stepped into the room.

mdm was looking like somebody just beat her to the cashier with the pair of gorgeous pink boots she always wanted.

she took my paper, and to my horror, circled this and wrote dat.

''aye, who asked u to do this?''

''aye, u know this name not here right?''

at least she doesn't call me caspian.

''aye, u go home, i wanna see this tml morning 9am''

i know dat under her tough facade, she has this world's nicest heart.

but dat made caspian snap, not me, caspian.

i took the paper, worked furiously at it.

simultaneously willing time to stop.

teaching myself how to use excel.

and cursing myself for not knowing better.

of why the content was so corny, who did this shit anyway?

and finally got back to the room, 730pm.

i wanted to cry, who's gonna teach me driving now?

who?

''aye, the lines can be thicker, maybe 0.2mm''

what the fuck?!?!

undeterred, i took the DAMN paper,

ran back to the room ( about 1 min run )

dats how far it is.

work even more furiously at it.

i swore to god im not coming back.

'' looks good''

she said ''looks good''

and i finally felt proud to be here.

i paid my instructor an extra 10 bucks.

and flew in a taxi to learn driving.

no wonder i have no money.

i ignored all sms.

clean up ur room.

call me when able ( i knew he wanted to